by Patrick ‘Rey’ Reynell
SATIRE – The Setting: A Cleveland Indians publicist welcomes the sparsely scattered media to an Indians’ press conference. The club’s owner Larry Dolan walks out and addresses them.
“Good afternoon everybody.
I called this press conference today to address the faithful fans of the Cleveland Indians. We are currently in the midst of another disappointing season, sitting in last place in the division and nearly 20 games from our rivals, The Detroit Tigers, and current division leaders, the Chicago White Sox.
As a result of our on field failings the past few seasons, our attendance has declined steadily since 2007. We currently risk averaging less than 20,000 fans per game for the first time since 1992, back when the team still called Cleveland Municipal Stadium home.
Contrary to popular belief, I want the Indian organization to be as successful as you do. I can only hope to someday return to the prominence we experienced in the mid and late 1990s where we became the first Major League ballclub to sell out before the season even started.
And that is why we’re here today.
I recently found myself out on Ontario Avenue when my phone rang. I answered and after about a minute of conversation, the phone call was lost. This has in fact happened on several occasions with my new iPhone 4 from AT&T.
Frustrated once again, I reached my office in Progressive Field and turned on the news. Coincidentally at that exact time, I caught a news story on the newest version of the iPhone. Dropped calls have become a common complaint amongst many consumers.
Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO, announced a press conference to address this issue. But alas, I found out that there was a way to fix this problem in a more frugal manner (which, contrary to what some fans want to say, is not a euphemism I use for “cheap”).
Apparently, if you stick a small piece of duct tape to the lower left side of the phone, it will fix the problem of inadvertently disrupting the signal on the new antenna.
That’s why it surprised me that Steve Jobs wanted to spend money when all I have to do is find some duct tape. That’s like keeping a promising pitcher who’ll just ask for more money when his contract is up.
So for you Cleveland Indian fans, here is what I propose to fix our attendance issues: “Tribe Tape.”
A single 6-inch piece of duct tape (choose between red, blue or white) bearing the logo of your favorite team! Choose between Chief Wahoo, the fashionable cursive Indian “I,” or a throwback logo.
This will be handed to you at the gate, at which time you should immediately find your seat. Once there, place “Tribe Tape” over both of your eyes, sit back, and enjoy Cleveland Indians baseball again!
I’m sure some of you are thinking that there is a better solution; this was my exact thought when I heard about using duct tape on my $300 iPhone. However, you won’t realize the benefits until you try.
Just think: you no longer have to feel constrained by knowing the score, who’s up, or which inning it is. In fact, our public address announcer won’t even use player or team names when colorfully describing the action to you!
Anyway, your eyesight is just one of the five senses you can use at the ballpark. Plus, I saw this special on the Discovery Channel once where if you take away one of your senses, it enhances the other four to animal-like capabilities.
By June of every season, the crack of the bat will pop louder in your ears. The National Anthem and seventh inning stretch will resonate like an opera house. The hot dogs will taste juicier. The smell of peanuts and cotton candy will permeate through the air to tickle your nose. And the frosty cold beer in your hand will feel like you’re gripping an icicle.
“Tribe Tape” won’t take away from the game. No, no – it will actually intensify your baseball and Indians experience, all without having to witness the blooper reel that is our team.
Oh – before I forget – for you special fans brave enough to sit in foul ball territory, a replica Indians helmet garnished with a softball facemask will be waiting for you in your seat to prevent any visits to the dentist after your family outing to the ballpark. This, however, needs to be returned to the seat upon the game’s completion. We’re not made out of money like some companies, eh Apple?
But wait, there’s more! “Tribe Tape” will not only be to your benefit at the ballpark, but can allow you to keep that oblivious feeling at home. The next time you open up the sports page at the kitchen table, just apply “Tribe Tape” to the whole American League Central standings!
And as a precautionary measure, I’d also like to suggest purchasing an additional piece of “Tribe Tape” for a the low cost of $39.95 to apply over the “trades and transactions” portion of your sports page. That way, we will no longer crush your hopes and dreams during the trade deadline again!
So you see, Tribe fans, it will be okay to purchase tickets for the whole family for a Cleveland Indians game again. If duct tape can fix my $300 phone or affix my rear light to my car, then it’s good enough to fix our team! We don’t need to make like Steve Jobs and pour money into a misfortunate dealing.
You can come to the games without having to worry about whether or not you’ll see a catastrophe of a game. Simply put “Tribe Tape” on and cheer on the Tribe like it’s 1995!
And before I close, just in case anyone from the Pittsburgh Pirates or Baltimore Orioles is watching, “Tribe Tape” is a patent pending product.
Thank you for your time. It’s a beautiful day for a ball game! Go Tribe!”
B Ribas move over. We have a new satirist on the Pine. It’s a triumph I tell ya, a triumph!!!!!!
You play to win the game!
Pa said we could take a family vacation this summer. Maybe, we can go to Cleveland. I want to get some “Tribe Tape.” I’ll have Aunt Bea make a pie for the players. She would like that.
Fittin’ to get me some “Tribe Tape.” I’m gonna pick up my boy Doby and check out Progressive.
No way. Just needed to release some frustration with my beloved baseball team while mocking the iPhone customers who waited in line for hours and pre-ordered a $300 duct tape phone.
Sigh. I suppose it’s back to the minors for me, eh Casey?
hahaha – The minors, what a great place to be. That’s where it is real!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, in between selling wieners and mopping up, I’ll try to work on another article.
hahaha – don’t forget to fill the paper dispensers. 🙂
Nice. I’ll start growing a mullet, and work on a disaffected look, so as I am cleaning tables and replacing said napkins, I can tell a family of four how my life has spiralled out of controll, I used ot be someone, and follow up with enjoy the game while they shield their children from me, and swear they’ll never go to a ballpark again, a look of horror frozen on their faces.
Don’t forget the pajama pants. They are crucial to the look. Kinda like John Daly at St. Andrew’s.
I already got the mullet; can I get in on this?
Wally, how ’bout that roller coaster ride by the sox today!
Oh, Pete … ya had to get me started. Place this terrible last inning loss to the Twins squarely at the feet of Ozzie Guillen. He did it again. Did What? He put Booby Jinx into a must win game against a division rival after his troops had fought back to put themselves in great position to win this last game of a 4 game series. Getting this win on the road would’ve gained a critical split that would have actually put the WhiteSox ahead by 2 1/2 games. As it is Jenks (Jinx) had another meltdown and cost the ChiSox a critical game. Lead stays at 1 1/2 games only because the Tigers were having their own meltdown.
What has Jenks done since 2005 to earn your trust in a situation like this??? NOTHING. In fact, he has earned everyone’s scorn for blowing big games. Ozzie just should’ve left JJ Putz (ERA 1.51) in the game to pitch the 9th after a scoreless 8th. WHY on EARTH you would put Jinx out there to start the 9th in a game like this, I’ll never know. His ERA is over 5.00!!! HE’S NOT A CLOSER!!! He has always walked way too many people. ALWAYS. And now, he no longer has the fastball to get out of trouble like he did back in 2005. Nope, the fatboy should be sent to AA ball until he loses about 45 lbs and shaves that crap off his chin so he doesn’t look like a clown.
Nice job, Ozzie. Any armchair manager coulda told you to leave Putz in the game and keep fatboy Jinx on the bench. Christ … I could hear my mom in Chicago yelling all the way up here in Alaska.
There … I feel better getting that out. Thanks, Pete.
Glad to help. Jenks was indeed pitiful. Without knowing all that background, I still would have pulled him after the second batter. It was clear to me that he did not have the stuff to close that game. Instead, Ozzie came out and listened to his false reassurances and let him blow the game. AA is too high a place for that poor excuse for a closer.
So what does Ozzie do last night after the Sox rallied in the top of the 11th to go up 1-0 vs Seattle? Of course, the MORON agains puts in Booby Jinx … you know … the big fat clown masquerading as the White Sox closer with ERA over 5. Well, here’s the result:
SEATTLE — The White Sox’s closer’s role is open after Bobby Jenks blew a lead for the second time on this 10-game trip.
“Our options are open now,” manager Ozzie Guillen said Wednesday night after Jenks allowed a two-run single to Franklin Gutierrez with one out in the 11th inning as Seattle handed the Sox a 2-1 loss.
“I get paid to win games. That’s my job, win games. And I’m going to put the guys there with the best shot.”
Guillen was blunt in expressing what he saw Wednesday night from Jenks, who pitched a scoreless inning Tuesday but has allowed seven runs on seven hits while walking two in 2 2/3 innings covering his past four outings since the All-Star break.
Gee … it’s a good thing Ozzie is not a surgeon … he’d be killing patients left and right. @!#$!@#$ IDIOT!!! NEVER EVER PITCH JENKS AGAIN …. Unless you’re up by 30 or down by 30 !!!! Coulda had a pennant winning team here if not for a FAT Clown relief pitcher and a manager with an IQ of 12.
Hahaha – Wally – tell us how you really feel. 🙂
Well let’s all just sit around with a pint of Ben-and-Jerry’s and cry over the FIRST PLACE White Sox! Wally – are you just trying to make me feel even worse about the bottom dweller that is my team? We’ll take “Jinx” anyway! At least he’ll be available unlike our closer, Kerry Wood-have-played-if-I-wasn’t-injured.
It made me chuckle anyway.
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