Opening Day Woes

Another Rant from the Couch

by Bill Ribas

So here’s the scenario: I am sitting in front of the television, 7:30 Sunday night, with a pair of hot dogs just gleaming from a visit to the microwave, two Labatt’s Blue Lights (or as I like to call it, Canadian club soda), and as I click on over to see what channel the game is on, the first wave of indigestion hits – ESPN2? Seems like a game for the mothership, but no worries. I click on ESPN2, and I get a big message on the screen that says the game is not available in my area. Blacked out? What? Maybe it’s on an alternate channel, so I check in the 400’s (I have Dish tee vee by the way), where sometimes alternate games are found, and nothing. I can see it on NESN, but that’s blacked out too. So I think maybe they bounced it on over to 13, which is ABC and Disney and ESPN and whatever. But no, there’s some hillbilly carpenter raising people’s property taxes disguised as an upgrade.

So I sit there stunned. Opening day, blacked out, a game that is 384 miles away, according to the Google (just for grins, Yankee Stadium is 332 miles from here). Now my digital antenna that picks up local channels is supposed to reach 50 miles or so (on a good day), and even that leaves me over 300 miles short, and only if the game were on a local Boston channel.

So what do I do? Search the internets for a stream of the game, that’s what. I find a few that look like they’ll hack your system by the time you download the plug-in, and then lo and behold, ESPN 360 24 7 11 or whatever says it has the game. So I click on that, have to download a plug-in, and sit and watch a picture of Boston’s slugger, Big Pop-up or something. While I am convinced it won’t work, at 8 o’clock the screen changes, and there it is. Only I can’t see it full screen for whatever reason, so I have to open a different browser and fire it up in it, and then I can see the game.

Now the picture is good, but it’s not quite like the 40 something inch HD tee vee that sits in the background showing America’s Funniest Videos. And then the crushing irony hits me; at this point in time, technology has the ability to provide a blistering clear picture, while at the same times my eyes are fading into the sunset, and I can barely read the instructions on a box of Mac & Cheese without some store bought magnifying glasses. 6 feet away from me is a gorgeous Panasonic flat screen that registers razor sharp crisp lines, and I’m instead watching the game on a slightly blurry Dell laptop with a screen that might measure 14 inches. Oh sure, it might be the game, but it’s a bit fuzzy, and I kind of have to situate my head in the right spot, otherwise the image gets gray or turns into a negative looking view.

More beers. For some reason they make the game more palatable. Until those slackers from the Bronx start knocking the ball around, and it looks like it’s going to be a blowout. At least the Simpsons are on in the background, and there are a few laughs, although nothing like the old days.

When it’s 5-1, I’m thinking I should cut my losses and just flip over to the Pacific on HBO, but I have that set to record and can watch it later. Besides, there’s something about the opening day of the season that compels me to watch the game. And it wouldn’t matter if it were something like Washington-Pittsburgh, I’d still sit glued to the screen, because it’s a ritual. Sure, a month down the line I’ll be switching channels at the first sign of an error, but the opening day game is special. More beers.

Or so I thought, until I had to watch it on a laptop. At this point, the Sox have come back to tie the game, and I’m watching Undercover Boss, which isn’t a news flash about Bruce Springsteen, but a reality show where a boss goes about his business in different locations to find out what’s going on. Interesting premise, but it’s been the same show for weeks, just different companies. Now I am mad at myself for watching a stupid series that I knew was going to jump the shark, but it looks like the Yanks have gone ahead again, but it’s hard to tell because the picture is blurry, and I don’t want to risk opening another browser and screwing up the stream somehow (believe me, it would happen, my luck is terrible like that).

By now it’s close to 11, and I have a hunch that ESPN 1 or 2 will start showing the rest of the game beginning at the top of the hour. I have seen it happen before on blacked out games, and my excitement needs to be tempered a bit, just in case, with more beers. And then suddenly, there it is in all its glory. The colors are brilliant across 40 something inches, but there’s just one thing that’s off, and that’s the sharpness. At first I think I must be on the regular and not the HD channel, but then I realize it’s because my eyelids are half open. When I get them open all the way, the picture is fine. But a strange mixture of gravity and old age has crept up on me (that and some Canadian club sodas), and I can barely strain to see the Sox take the lead. The next thing I know, Jeter looks like he is trying to sell me a Slap Chop, and it’s at that point that I realize the game is long over, my neck hurts from laying sideways across my shoulder and being stuck at an odd angle on the couch, and my Slap Chop should be here in 4 to 6 weeks.

I stumble up to bed hoping that maybe, just maybe Santana can win the Mets game tomorrow, a game that I should be able to see in its entirety, or at least most of it, wide awake, just me and the Panasonic before the kids get home. I do not for the life of me understand blackout rules and regulations, outside of any game that I really want to see I won’t be able to, and contemplate moving next to a sports bar. Like Casey, I have struck out, at least as far as the opening day game is concerned. Kind of like going to church for a wedding but getting there when everything is done, and the reception line is outside and almost over.

I suppose there’s always next year.