Another Rant From the Couch
by Bill Ribas
I didn’t watch yesterday’s weep fest, the public apology by Tiger Woods. I am, however, listening to it now, in the background, and it carries about as much weight with me as a performance by a high school drama major at a talent show. Why? Well, for starters, it is such a heavily guarded construction of words, that if you read it closely enough, not much is said at all. It’s a generic apology, yes, I didn’t realize what I had, I was selfish, I let all of you down. My guess is that’s not very close to the truth, but rather what will placate the media and fans, who will only register that he did publicly apologize, and can look forward to a summer of golf without a black cloud hanging over their tee vees.
What he should have said was tell the truth, from the core of his heart. What would that have sounded like? Something like this:
“Hello, and welcome to all of you today. Recently, there has been a lot of press over my actions, what the news media has reported, the car crash, the scratches on the face, Ambien, the whole nine yards.
I didn’t mean for my life to take a turn like this. I figured I’d just keep banging away on the links, keep getting those fat checks (that’s “fat checks” not “fat chicks,” by the way), doing the commercials, padding the bank accounts. You know, in golf, you can pretty much play until you die, and that was the plan.
It’s hard for me, being so much better than all the other golfers. I can hit 300 yards in my sleep, I can slice and hook on demand, and I can putt a ball across an interstate highway during rush hour and still sink it, one handed if needed. Do you know what that means? It means I am bored out of my skull every game, just swinging until money time. You want to talk about boredom?
So what’s a guy to do? How many of you out there are or have been bored with your job? Just can’t stand it, but you have to do it every day to put food on the table? I see you nodding out there. You know what I mean. So imagine this, I am young, good looking, rich, and every week I am bouncing from city to city. People adore me. Sure, there’s a lot of guys in that group, but there’s women too. And they don’t want to talk about golf like the guys do. They have a different idea of driving and putting, if you get my drift.
So I did what any young buck in his prime would do. Tournament in South Carolina? Bam, Tiger gets some. Then off to New Mexico? Bam, Tiger gets some. And so on. But you have to figure, these are like my college years, my frat party weekend hookups. Is that so wrong? I mean, what do kids do in college anyway?
But after a while, I’m thinking, maybe if I settle down, I could get some more ads, you know, other than Nike, maybe some family oriented commercials for the off season. And that’s when I met Elin. Smoking babe, you know, you’ve all seen the pictures on the internets, and yeah, it’s better in real life. And we’re both on the same playing field, working good looks and ad dollars, thinking we’ll be the next Bill Gates & company, or at least number 2 on the Forbes list.
But there’s a problem, and that’s why I am here today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and all, but when I go back out on the tour, well, I have urges. You think back, you get all nostalgic about your school days, heck, you’d spend every dollar you could just to go back and relive it for one day. That’s how the tour is for me. So the wife is home, and I’m on the road, but now the job is a little different, because there is pressure to perform, and if daddy doesn’t bring home a check, daddy ain’t sleeping in the big bed, at least not with benefits.
So I, (sniff, choke, sniff), I fell back to my old ways. I can’t remember the first time it happened, but it was like someone shoved a Duracell up my backside as far as results. Let’s just say I tapped in more than just putts, and it made me feel young, and I won. So put yourself in my shoes – supermodel wife at home, only happy when I bring home the bacon. Me on the road, only way to relax and get the big money, not think about the home scene, is to get some. Bam, Tiger does it again.
After a while, everything tends to blur. I might have said some things at home, left out the cel phone with some texts on it, you can imagine how this whole thing can get wrapped up and confusing, and that’s what happened, and that’s how it all blew up in my face. Oh sure, I blame myself, but I’m not the only one that’s guilty here.
Who is? Besides me, that is? Who is guilty? Everyone. You can blame the advertisers that pay me and do all those ads. Let me put it this way – you ever see a fat, ugly chick in a Nike ad? Hell no. You ever a horse-faced girl in an SI swimsuit issue? Uh-uh, no way. You ever see a homely girl in a fancy New York City bar, you think she ever gets past the velvet ropes? It’s all society’s fault.
Now I’m not placing the blame somewhere else, I mean, yeah, I did wrong, but I ain’t the only one, and you should realize this. And if you don’t believe me, how many pro golfers you think are at home right now eating dinner with their families? I’ll tell you how many, all of them. That’s right, now not only does my wife take swings at me, now I got all the other golfers mad at me too. I forget who, maybe it was Mickelson or Verplank, they’re hollering at me that I am screwing it up for everyone, and how it’s going to take a year or so for this to blow over, and they’ll have to spend more time with their families and act like they like it, and on and on. Like I need the aggravation from the guys at work. Puh-lease.
I don’t want to put you all to sleep here, so I’ll close it up right now, because I think you all get what went down. In short, yeah, I fooled around, and it was wrong, and I’m going to at least make it look like I am getting help for it, and yes, I’ll be back playing golf soon, show everyone how it’s done. I’ll devote more time to the family, I’ll toss some money to the charities, I’ll be a good Tiger. And it’ll be hard not to fall back to my old ways (winks at hottie in second row), but I will be strong. I am sorry I am not the role model you thought, but my guess is you might do the same thing if you were in my shoes. Just think about that for a second before you condemn me. You may not know the pressures on a PGA Tour, but you know if your wife is hollering at you to get a job, you know how you slink around the house with your shoulders droopy and all, that’s all I’m saying.
Thank you for your time.”
If he had said something along those lines, I would have listened.
I think Tiger was sincere in his speech, he emphasized at different points of the 13 minutes. The one point that stuck out to me was when he said he thought he was entitled to doing what he did, but later realized he doesn’t have different rules than other spouses.
Bill – laughed out loud. That is rare for me when I’m reading. Classic line was the winking at the girls.
I don’t know about the sincerity. Was he sincere because he was caught or beacuse he truly regretted it? When you’re THAT careless, it seems to me you flat out don’t give a hoot. OR, you think you’re untouchable. So which is it Tiger? He wants us to think he thought he was untouchable. Well B-O-O H-O-O.
He had to do this, and I don’t know which way was better. I almost feel like he should came out in a normal setting with any press that wanted to be there and fielded questions literally until they stopped asking. Get over with now. This I think will make his return way worse for a little while.
Anyway – one of the funniest articles I have ever read concerning this. Thinks totally opposite than Mark (and many others) feels. If you don’t laugh reading this take on the speech, then you must have C3PO’s heart 🙂
https://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100219
Rey, thanks for the kind words.
Bill,
Using the written word to create laughter, you have it down to a science. Great stuff.
Rest assured, motivational speaking is NOT in Tiger’s future. He is hard to listen to.
He could be a motivational speaker, I just think he needs a better speechwriter. And I’m not sure why he has to apologize either, at least not to his fans. They are fans because of what he does with a stick and a ball, not how he spends his time off or at home. I think this notion that a person who has been honed his whole life for one sport should be a role model as well. I don’t know how a single focused mentality or goal translates to something to be admired. So in that respect, Tiger could become a motivational speaker, if he focuses on it, since he is used to concentrating. I don’t think he wrote that apology, I’m sure he has a team of handlers and advisers.
Great stuff Bill!
First… If Tiger needs to rehab for sex addition, then just about the entire NBA or NFL needs to get some help too. Celebrities play by a different set of rules. We know that and probably Tiger knows that better then anyone. Heck look at Kobe a few years ago.
I don’t have a problem with what Tiger said. As far as we know – this might be a part of his “treatment”. He probably is remorseful because he probably put what is most precious to him – his kids and surprise, his wife – in jeopardy. He traveled the world, we adored him, we tell our kids to be more like him – until Thanksgiving Day of 2009. Heck, some fathers may tell their kids to still be like Tiger, just don’t bother with the marriage part.
I just laugh at the people trying to dissect what his message was. Does anyone really know what his objective was on this statement? Again I go back to his treatment – maybe this is part of it. I don’t know.
I do get a kick out of the writers objecting to this form because they weren’t allowed to ask questions. Frankly, he owes us nothing. He doesn’t owe us any details to the situation and to think otherwise – well it is selfish and arrogant on our part. What good would have come from them asking questions?
Writer: ” Tiger, so how many women was it? ”
Tiger: ” Ummmm I don’t know, I am in so many cities. Maybe 50-60.”
Writer: ” Yeahhhh, did you lick chocolate off their toes? ”
Tiger: ” Huh? What? What are you doing over there?”
Writer: ” Ahhhhmmm.. How many did you say it was? ”
We don’t need to know what happened on that night outside their home. Tiger is right in saying that this is between him and his wife. This is not between Tiger, his wife and the rest of America. I don’t buy that response of – “Oh she knew what she was getting into when she married a public figure.” That is a lame excuse for ” we want to know all the juicy details.” No, this is Tiger’s mess and I hope they can work it out. Do I think he is ever going to stop checking out the woman in the second row? Absolutely not. But if this is what he needs to do to save his marriage, then so be it.
The Tabloid writers and papparazzi are a unique bunch. I do think they are WAAAYYY over the line taking pictures of his kids and printing what schools they are in. There is absolutely no reason to bring kids into this picture. But then they wonder why they are not invited. Are you kidding me.
But I do go back to what I heard yesterday from a Golf writer who was there and didn’t boycott. He said that for the years he has covered golf, Tiger never gives away what he is really thinking or what he is really working on. He tells you what you need to know and that is his approach to the game. What the writer saw yesterday was a different side of Tiger and he applauded it. He also commented that Tiger probably doesn’t know how to open up the way WE want him to open up. Works for me, I am good.
Frankly the whole thing is tiring. I just spent 15 minutes on this topic. Let’s just get back to hitting the white ball. Hopefully Tiger will be joining us sooner, rather then later.
Smitty
Whoa! Look at your first line. Freud would have some fun with that.
🙂
Tiger’s “wife”, Elin (sp?), has really screwed up here. She should have divorced this slimeball, taken the kids, and tried to squeeze EVERY PENNY of alimony and child support out of him. She would’ve received potentially $100-200 million … and the freedom to move on with her life without this creep. And Tiger, like a lot of cheaters, woulda learned his lesson the hard and proper way … by losing your family and getting hit REAL hard in your bank account.
This “sex addiction” stuff is CRAP.
Whoa Casey… you are right – that was a Freudian slip. Certainly meant addiction.
Wally – why use a ball pean when a sledge will get the job done?
🙂
You mean “peen,” don’t you? heh heh.
? Are there two spellings? https://www.mytoolstore.com.au/ballpean-hammer-p-624.html
I guess so, if you live in Australia. Here in the states though, it’s “peen,” at least when I went to motorcycle school. Maybe the kids do it differently today.
🙂