Tuesdays with Smitty: A recruiting trip like no other.

By Aaron M Smith

It was Saturday night – Valentine’s Day – one of the “quieter” nights of the year if you are single. Well I was home hanging with the loyal cat, Beckett, enjoying a bottle of Francis Coppola 2006 Black Label Claret, when the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and it was Shoeless Joe Jackson. THE Shoeless Joe Jackson was at my door. Of course I had to rub my eyes and do a double take. But that is when former White Sox great spoke up:
Shoeless: “Hey Smitty! Well, I finally found you. You know down in Brandon Mill, S.C. where I am from – we don’t get weather like this. Do you mind if I come in?? ”

Smitty: “Ummmm….”

Shoeless: “Relax, yes it is me – Shoeless. Why are you so surprised? I know you and Wally are two of my biggest fans. Why do you think I chose the Pickin’ Splinters website? And that Casey guy – well I don’t read the stories, Eddie is always reading to me – man can he write. But he seems to run into Moonlight Graham like every other week. I figured if Moonlight can get on here, so can I. ”

Smitty: “Ok.. S.s.s.s.s.ssssounds good.”

Shoeless: ” Oh will you relax. I don’t have too much time. I have to get back before curfew.”

Smitty: ” Curfew? What are you talking about? You have a curfew in.. Well wherever you are?”

Shoeless: ” It is spring training in heaven. That’s right – heaven – should give you an idea about whether I was guilty or not.”

Smitty: “Okay – well what do you need me from me? I mean this is a great honor, but..”

Shoeless: ” I need you to help me recruit Alex Rodriguez for our team. See all of us, who have been either banned or blackballed from the Baseball Hall of Fame – well we are all on the same team. Basically it is most of my teammates from 1919 and we need some help – BIG time. The writers have us finishing second to God’s team  – ‘Clouds Ray of Hope’. Happens every year.  It is hard going up against an outfield of DiMaggio, Clemente and Williams. Although once in awhile, Williams head just falls off. Nobody knows why, but it is funny when it happens.”

Smitty: ” So why do you want to talk with Alex. Is he going to..?”

Shoeless: “No, no, no. But it is a long season, and we need to start recruiting now. The boys sent me to help recruit a couple of guys. I already spoke with Pete Rose, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. Pretty sure I got them, but A-Rod is the prize. And since he just about punched his ticket to not be in the Hall of Fame.”

Smitty: ” Doesn’t God want him for his team? ”

Shoeless: ” Nahh.. He has Ty Cobb, and Ty already told him that he would take a cleat to the side of anyone’s head if he brings in A-Fraud..” Starts chuckling. ” A-Fraud is pretty catchy. Whoever came up with that has a pretty good sense of humor. A-Fraud. Okay, let’s call him.  I got his number. ”

So I call, putting the phone on speaker. Surprisingly, Alex picks up the phone.

Alex: ” Hello..?”

Shoeless: ” Hey Alex, it’s Shoeless Joe Jackson and Smitty from Pickin’ Splinters. How are you?’

Alex: ” Well, I have had better weeks. I have a pretty big press conference  coming up – Pickin’ Splinters, huh? Pretty good website. Smitty, thanks for taking it easy on me lately.”

Smitty: “Well, you are welcome Alex. Got to give you credit for taking the high road on this whole performance enhancing drugs stuff.”

Shoeless: ” Okay Smitty be quiet. Alex, the reason I am here is because we need you on our team: Heaven’s Outsiders. We need a third baseman and we want you.. ”

Smitty: ” Isn’t Buck Weaver your third baseman?”

Shoeless: ” Honestly Smitty. You are making me regret asking you to be here. Buck is okay, but Alex – well he is going to be the difference maker. We just need to work on you hitting in the post season. ”

Alex: “Hey, that hurt..”

Shoeless: ” Just calling a spade a spade my friend.  So why did you do it?  Why did you take them ?”

Alex: ” Well, I was feeling the pressure of signing that huge contract. I felt like I needed to prove myself.”

Shoeless: ” Blah, Blah, Blah.. You were rewarded for being the best player in baseball and you felt that you had to be better then that? Not bad. Pretty good cop out.  The press should eat that up and still have questions afterwards. That is good.  Now here is what else you are going to say:  They were an ‘Energy Booster.’   Reporters just eat it up when you are vague. Leaves them with questions and they don’t forgive you. Tell them your cousin, yeah your cousin  injected you with them. The cousin no one has ever met or seen”.
Alex: ” Why do I want to do this? I am remorseful about this. I mean it wasn’t illegal when I did it, but… ”

Shoeless: ” Right, right.. This is great. You are going to leave the press debating for years about whether you should be in the Hall of Fame. That is plenty of time to get you on the team..”

Alex: ” I want to get in the Hall of Fame.. Really, I do. That is what it is all about -right?”

Shoeless: ” Really? I thought it was all about playing the game you love and getting paid to do it. There are a ton of fans up in heaven, and they love us.  When we get out there, we are just playing the game we love – everything else is forgotten.  The Hall of Fame is just a hall for people to remember you.  Baseball fans – well if you love the game, respect the game and play it the right way – they will talk about you forever.”

Smitty: ” So Shoeless. Tell Alex about your team.. ”

Shoeless: ” Great call. I knew I brought you along for a reason. Look, when all is said and done, we will have Bonds in left, myself in center and Roger Maris in right field. Which reminds me – Smitty, tell Crossword Pete that Roger isn’t such a bad guy. I understand why he doesn’t like him and it’s legit. But the guy was under a lot of pressure – cut him some slack. ”

Smitty:  “You tell him..”

Shoeless: “Okay, I am ignoring you again. But with Mark McGwire at first, we are thinking that Alex could be the SS or third base. Pete has got to play somewhere and he is best at 3rd.”

Alex: ” Well, I can play SS for God’s team.”

Shoeless:  Chuckling. ” Sorry kid, but Phil Rizzuto is just keeping the position warm for Ripken and Jeter. ”

Alex: ” Well, this does sound tempting.. You really think the Hall of Fame is overrated?”

Shoeless: “Absolutely. It is just a hall. Every house has one. Look – it   all comes down to reporters loving you – or the Commish keeping you out. Either way, if you want to keep playing after you “move on,”  you will want to work with me on this.. Playing time galore on this team.We will even let you bat 3rd in the lineup. ”

Alex: ” Hmmm.. So I need to say it was an ‘Energy Booster’ huh? Well I will have to think about it.”

Smitty: ” Alex, how we going to know your decision ?’

Alex:  “Well tune into the press conference. I guess you will know then. An energy booster from my cousin. Wow, would have never thought of that. ”

Shoeless:  “Sounds good. Okay fellas, see you later. I gotta get back. If I am late, I have to play without Black Betsy for month, and  that is like messing with a man’s woman.  Alex – talk with you soon. Oh yeah – if you do say yes, I can promise that Madonna will get “preferential” treatment when it comes to her time.”

Alex: “Sweet!”

Smitty: “Shoeless. Thanks for this opportunity. I hope we see each other again some day. ”

Shoeless:  ” We will, trust me. Good luck this summer with softball. Tell that Chas guy to lay off –  I know you still have the swing. I know you said one more year of softball, but I would keep going until you can’t anymore. If you love the game, you play until the game doesn’t let you play anymore. I learned that the hard way”.

Smitty:  “Thanks Shoeless.. Well, I guess Happy Valentine’s Day..”

Shoeless: ” What??!!? Forget it.. I need to reconsider you becoming our GM someday.. I am outta here.. ”

Smitty: “Damn….”