10. Gets winded putting on his socks.
9. Hard slide into second triggers life-alert pendant.
8. While playing outfield, yells at teammates to get the hell off his lawn.
7. When buying performance-enhancing drugs, gets the AARP card out.
6. Claims he killed President McKinley with a line drive.
5. Often begins sentences, “As Shoeless Joe Jackson once told me…”
4. He’s almost as old as the hot dogs — seriously, have you ever eaten one of those things?
3. Lost part of his career fighting in World War I.
2. During interviews, he thanks the Lord and the makers of Super Poligrip.
1. When he’s in the on-deck circle, asks bat boy, “What did I come in here for?”