Casey Claus

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that ol’ Casey soon would be there. Here’s what Casey has in his bag:

For Detroit Tigers’ relief pitcher, Joel Zumaya, Casey has a book…any book..something, anything to entertain you. Maybe then you won’t obsessively, or excessively, play your Guitar Hero Play Station 2 video game to the point where you need to seek medical attention for inflammation of your pitching arm. Perhaps Joel could ask Casey for a real six string and some lessons.

Casey has something for li’l Peyton Manning: A RUSH DEFENSE!!!!!! After years of toil slicing through opposing defenses only to have Vander Yank squander so many opportunities, you now have Adam Vinatieri (of course New Englanders refer to him as Benedict Arnold). Onlookers thought Arnold…errr…Vinatieri was the missing piece. That the place kicker extraordinaire would help you and your Colts to the Super Bowl. One thing forgotten is that your team’s defense looks like…well…something out of a Shia LaBoeuf movie.

For the NFL and Time Warner, Casey has a big fat piece of charcoal. While you two multi-million dollar entities squabble over the NFL network the fans, once again, get left out in the cold.

For Rochester native Rory Fitzpatrick, Casey has a few more votes –

Casey has something in his bag for the Houston Rockets’ head coach, Jeff Van Gundy (another Rochester native): a good night’s sleep…actually Jeff you look like you need about 100 good nights’ of sleep. Casey will see what he can do.

Casey has a panacea for all the potential ills and injuries that could beset Lindy Ruff and the Buffalo Sabres in their quest for a Stanley Cup.

For Mike Brey, head coach of the Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish hoops squad, Casey has twenty-five points for you to use at your discretion. Last year’s squad finished with a record of sixteen wins and fourteen losses. Included in those fourteen losses were overtime defeats at the hands of Pittsburgh, Georgetown, Louisville, UConn, and Michigan. Last year’s Irish hoopsters also suffered two point losses to Villanova and Marquette, and a one point setback versus West Virginia. Perhaps you won’t need these points. Your team is off to a record of eight wins in nine tries including a 14 point victory over Alabama where your boys made the Crimson Tide look like they had been spending too much time studying for finals. Is that possible?

For Sammy Sosa, Casey has a quiet little place for you to drift off into anonymity. You bunny hopped your way into our hearts as Swingin’ Sammy. All the while we fans chose to ignore your metamorphosis from that of the skinny Sammy pose of your days on the Pale Hose. Then we watched in dismay as you became silent Sammy at the congressional hearings. Now you want to make a comeback, and you are looking to get sympathy for Sammy. Sorry all we have left is to say sayonara Sammy!!!!!!

For Allen Iverson, Casey has a generosity pill.

For little Terrell Owens, Casey has a muzzle.

For the critics of the University of Notre Dame’s football schedule, Casey has a juicy factoid: when ND plays in the Sugar Bowl, LSU will be the eighth team on the Irish schedule to play in a bowl game this year. Michigan and Ohio State also have eight bowl-eligible opponents this year. USC actually played nine teams that qualified for bowls. Of course four of SC’s opponents will participate in bowl games on or before December 28th.

Casey brings a little JFK wisdom for Michael Vick: “Ask not what your (team) can do for you, but what you can do for your (team).”

And for Vick’s coach, Jim Mora Jr., Casey has a ticket voucher from Southwest Airlines – “Ever want to get away?”

For Alan Zemaitis, Casey brings a little PT – because #29 deserves it!

For ‘Dice – K’, Casey brings a bowl of chowda!!!! Eat hearty son…it’ll put hair on ya chest!!!!!!

For Trot Nixon, Casey has a contract with the Red Sox.

Casey would like to be able to give an ounce of Derek Jeter’s heart to every student-athlete. If all young athletes played with #2’s genuine passion for the game the world of sports would be a better place.

Last but not least Casey would like to bring some Elvis Costello to the human race: ‘(What’s so funny ‘bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?’

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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