By Aaron M Smith
First let me go on the record as saying that I am happy Tiger Woods is returning sooner rather than later to the PGA Tour. However, I am not in favor of Tiger making his return to the Masters. I know, I know – Augusta National officials have a different opinion about Tiger coming back to Masters. Trust me – I get it. But for me, the Masters are sacred and Tiger’s return is going to be a media circus. The circus doesn’t belong at Augusta National.
Over the last few days, I have listened to experts say how the Masters is the perfect for Tiger’s return. The familiarity of the Masters for Tiger, Augusta’s ability to control the media and the cordial fans – should allow Tiger to play without distraction. Really? I am always up for a challenge, how about you?. How do we distract Tiger Woods at the Masters? Well, I have brought it upon myself to come up with a list of ways to distract Tiger – some plausible, some ridiculous. Here they are:
10. During Tiger’s first press conference, which I am sure is going to be interesting – have Tiger Wood’s wife, Elin Nordegren sitting in the front row, taking notes.
9. Have the course marshals trade in their uniforms for priest costumes.
8. Replace those familiar Masters flags on each hole with familiar choices from Victoria Secret. If you don’t know – ask Tiger.
7. As Tiger is hitting his approach to one of the greens have spectators hold up pictures of Rachel Uchitel. Ouch!
6. If Tiger hits a drive that is headed wayward – course marshals yell “Fifty.” See if he notices the difference.
5. As Tiger approaches the 18th green, the gallery serenades him with the Righteous Brothers, ” You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.”
4. Get fellow golfers that are golfing with him to clean their clubs while he is trying to hit and say, “Oh yeah, that feels good..”
3. Some of the golfers can gain new sponsors – like Viagra and Cialis. A new golf bag with that new sponsorship should certainly provide a distraction.
2. Have Dr. Phil waiting on the first tee box. “Tiger, let’s talk….”
1. This was already suggested on this site, so I can’t take credit. If you are paired with Tiger Woods on Sunday – hire a Playboy Bunny to be your caddy on Sunday.
In all seriousness, I wish Tiger Woods the best in his return to golf. But we can have a little fun, right Tiger? Sorry that was a low blow. I promise I’ll stop..
Got a way to distract Tiger Woods? Let’s hear it.
All I can say is; SMITTY LETTERMAN!
My guess is it will be easier for Tiger and the media circus than for the other golfers. Why? He’s been practicing what he’s going to say more so than the latest republican talking points. Once the media get the same answer a half dozen times, they’ll back off. Other golfers, however, won’t be so lucky. For any golfer with a loose libido or a troubled marriage, an offshoot question from the press like, “Say, Mickelson, how’s married life treating you?” might be just the thing to cause a series of slices and a drop down the leaderboard.
In this instance, Tiger can’t lose – if he blows the tournament, he just says, “well, my mind is still troubled.” If he wins, it’s, “I owe this all to the wife, and my life is back on track.” For the other golfers, same troubled scenario – if they win, well, its because Tiger was mentally out of it. If they lose, it’ll be along the lines of, “this guy treats women the way a gas pump treats a car, loses all his sponsors, almost loses his marriage, and still comes back to beat you? Did you practice at all?”
What’ll even be funnier is all the network commentators dancing around the issue, all the while wishing they could have as exciting a side life as Tiger.
Tiger Woods definitely could talk a fantastic game as part of his media conference regarding becoming a lot more respectful to the game of golf, nevertheless his actions spoke very much louder than his words when he skipped the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Woods might have earned a lot of good will simply by playing the tournament. Arnie would certainly have done everything that he might have for helping present Tiger in the best light, however on the other hand Tiger chooses to write off one of the legends from the game and do his own thing. All the best with the Masters, Mr Woods. Congratulations to Ernie Els, and also I really hope you do incredibly well with Augusta.
“2. Have Dr. Phil waiting on the first tee box. “Tiger, let’s talk….” This would definitely distract Tiger.