No offense, but…

By Abbey Gotham

This past school year, I stayed for an extra two weeks in Cincinnati to continue with my work-study job in a kindergarten classroom. For these two weeks, I lived with my roommate’s family in Northern Kentucky – one of her family members being her 8 year old sister, Lauren.  Like most children at this age, she is going through a period where she lacks a filter and understanding of the hurtful interpretations of some of the things she says.  When I only had a few days left there, Christine (my roommate) and I were talking about how much we were going to miss each other this summer, and Lauren interjected, saying: “No offense Abbey, but…” before Christine stopped her.  Christine then explained to Lauren that any statement that follows those words should usually be kept to oneself.  Lauren continues and says, “Like I was saying, Abbey!  No offense, but I’m kind of excited for you to leave because once we move all your stuff, I can take that TV out of my closet finally.”  Christine sighed and I just giggled.  A few days later when I was waiting outside for my father (that wonderful man) to come pick me up, Lauren starts another statement with “No offense Christine, but…”  Christine and I immediately glance at each other as Lauren continues, “…your tan is really uneven.  Your legs and your arms really don’t match.”  During the drive home, I told my Dad about Lauren’s new line, and I thought it would make for an interesting critique of the sports world.

Shaq.  I think you’re a little late on this whole retirement train.  You spent most of this past season on the bench for the Celtics, and when you were in the game, I felt your struggles as you ran up and down the court.  No offense Shaq, but you should have retired a while ago and got a head start as a model for the Big & Tall Casual male.

Terrelle Pryor and the Buckeyes.  Along with many others past in college sports, you and a few of your teammates accepted improper benefits during your time at Ohio State University.  This includes selling memorabilia you obtained throughout your college career and accepting discounts at a local tattoo parlor.  Okay, I understand you are not the first college athlete to take part in these activities, but now you are not even sticking around to pay your debts!  Not to mention, you and your teammates are the reason that Jim Tressel is no longer with the program.  No offense, but using the NFL draft as a scapegoat to not have to deal with your suspension is quite immature. Not to mention, you might want to think about this. Is it true you only completed 61% of your passes in college. Do you really want to play against professional defenses?

Kobe.  I am not here to denounce your talents by any means, but you don’t seem very enjoyable to be around.  Back in the early 2000’s, you had a good thing going with Phil Jackson and Shaq and won a few titles.  All of a sudden, you couldn’t play with Shaq anymore, so he got traded.  Then you couldn’t work with Phil Jackson, so they got rid of him.  Let’s go back to your season without both of them in 2004-05.  Without those two backing you up, the Lakers were whopping 34-48.  A few years later, you have Phil Jackson again.  You get Pau Gasol and all of a sudden you have two more NBA titles under your belt.  Now, you can’t play with Pau Gasol anymore?  No offense Kobe, but you’re the common denominator here.

The New York Islanders.  Why on Earth would you sign any player to a 15-year contract?  I don’t think the question is ‘What was Rick DiPietro thinking?’ in his fight with the Penguins, I think we have to wonder what the Islanders management is thinking.  If I’m a professional athlete signed to a 15-year, $67.5 million contract, I’m thinking my motivation is going to be lowered, and I’m going to be more prone to instigating with players from other teams, even if my health is at risk.  To make matters worse, out of the past three NHL seasons, totaling up to 246 games, DiPietro has played in 39 of them.  Even if the Islanders give DiPietro an ultimatum, what is it going to be?  Play in the minors for the rest of your contract or have the rest of his contract bought out.  No offense Islanders, but signing any player to a 15-year contract is stupid.

Sergio Ramos.  Some may see you dropping the Copa del Rey Trophy as an accident, but that is one heck of an accident.  For the first time since 1993, Real Madrid won the Copa del Rey, beating rival, Barcelona, 1-0.  Also, this was not any trophy, made of silver, weighing in at about 33 lbs, and it was 35 years old.  After the bus was stopped after you dropped the trophy and it was run over, apparently policemen found eight different pieces of the trophy in the road.  I don’t understand how you have that little concern for a trophy that you won less than a day before.  No offense Ramos, but that was just stupid.  While we’re on Ramos, your theatrics, along with most other soccer players, are unprecedented.

University of Kentucky Athletic Department.  Win records do have to be consistent with NCAA regulations!  How can you miss that 42 of John Calipari’s victories from his time at Memphis and Massachusetts were vacated because of NCAA violations?  No offense UK Athletic Department, but get it together.  But, I guess Calipari lucks out on this one – he gets to have two 500 Win celebrations.

Roberto Luongo.  For a Stanley Cup Finals goalie, you appeared very mediocre at times in defending for your fellow Canucks.  Besides the fact that eight goals should not be allowed in any Stanley Cup Finals game, you appeared to be very on and off.  The Canucks made a very strong statement by coming out early and winning the first two games, but after that is when your statistics start to get shaky.  No offense Luongo, but talk about inconsistency.

Finally, we have Lebron James.  Man, was I hoping that the Heat would lose in the finals, so that I could get this opportunity.  After leaving the Cavaliers when you got the hopes up of so many fans and actually started to make the team into something that was reputable, you ditch before winning a championship and go to the Miami Heat to form some kind of ‘dream team.’  Which, by the way, next to Dwyane Wade, it is very evident that you are not the best player in the league, let alone your team.  But even on your new ‘dream team,’ you still managed to lose in the NBA finals, after probably your best opportunity thus far.  You happily welcomed the ‘Witness’ ad campaign from Nike. Don’t worry, LeBron. We are ALL watching. No offense Lebron, but for a self-claimed ‘king,’ you still don’t have a ring.