Theater of the Absurd: Lakers’ Awkward Post-Game

by Patrick ‘Rey’ Reynell

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 16th NBA title Thursday night. This title gives them back-to-back titles having defeated the Orlando Magic last season in the 2009 Finals. Kobe Bryant dually shared the moniker of back-to-back with his team by being named the NBA Finals MVP for the second consecutive year. And perhaps the most historic of all, Lakers coach Phil Jackson won his 11th NBA title to surpass Red Aurebach’s 10 titles.

Whether a Lakers fan or not, it’s hard to deny the significance of this night in NBA history. It took all of 1.3 seconds for the analysts to get the “Kobe the greatest ever?” discussions started.

All of that aside, the post-game celebration and ceremonies provided some of the most absurd and hilarious moments in sports history. If an insane asylum throws a surprise party, the Lakers’ post-game antics is pretty much how I’d envision it.

In case you missed it or just didn’t pay that close attention to it, here are the funniest moments from the Lakers’ 16th title celebration:

Ron Artest runs away from the celebration

The Boston Celtics had a shot at the end to come within a basket, but it fell short and Pau Gasol outletted it to Lamar Odom who wisely threw it to the other end of the floor to allow the final seconds to tick away. Fittingly, Kobe Bryant retrieved the ball, turned, and greeted his teammates who were already rushing to celebrate with the star. Ron Artest made it to him first and as Kobe tried to hug him, Ron-Ron ran through his attempt at a hug and off-camera. The Lakers team celebrated as Artest was nowhere in site.

Clearly Ron had not been prepped in proper post-game celebratory etiquette. You draw all of your attention to the star player. Or maybe Ron wanted to rush into the stands just to show NBA fans that, unprovoked, he can actually be a pretty pleasant guy. Ron Artest was a weird fit from the beginning so what better way to celebrate that all alone.

Ron-Ron thanks his psychiatrist

This has to be one of the most priceless sound bites in sports history. Doris Burke tried to interview Artest after the game while the celebration was still going on, and among his incoherent rambling, he thanks his psychiatrist thus proving once and for all that Ron Artest does not have a filter. This after he thanked “his hood.”

Jerry Buss thinks the Lakers won because they “wanted it more”

On stage, the Lakers owner was asked why he thought his Laker team was able to prevail in game 7. His response? “We wanted it more.” Really, Dr. Buss? I didn’t think the Celtics were interested in winning either. In fact, Kevin Garnett could really take lessons from the intensity of Andrew Bynum. And when they’re in the huddles, Doc Rivers could certainly spice it up a bit whereas Phil is just a spitfire of raw emotion.

There is officially no worse cliche in all of sports. They wanted it more? Is there any way possible to measure this and argue one way or the other? Well, based on that rationale, good thing the Americans wanted it more in World War II.

Kobe Bryant says it couldn’t have been done without “The Spaniard”

Later on, nearing the final stage of the “Kobe Bryant image rehabilitation project,” Bryant was pouring over how great his teammates are when he thanked “The Spaniard.” Yes, he referred to Pau Gasol by his nationality and not his name. Was this not strange? First of all, the guy’s name is onomatopoeia! His name is one of the coolest and most fun names to say. “POW!” And he decides to call him “The Spaniard?”

Secondly, the NBA is the most globally recognized sport and we have the Finals MVP labeling guys by nationality. Wonderful idea. Good thing that Slovenian hit those free throws and the tall black guy grabbed so many boards along with the Spaniard. Speaking of the Slovenian…

Sasha Vujacic and Kobe Byrant’s open display of “bromance”

Am I the only one who noticed this? These two embraced like they were separated at birth. In the huddle, after the game, in the locker room. Foreheads touching and nose-to-nose. Something was really creepy about this. Maybe it is the European-upbringing both had, I don’t know. But look at the picture above. Type “Kobe Sasha” into Google and peruse the images that come up. I swear you’ll feel uncomfortable by page 3.

Vanessa Bryant is more important than Derek Fisher

Can we just give her a jersey? Adam Morrison doesn’t use his. She is everywhere. I remember a game this season where she was outside the locker room during halftime with both kids and gave Kobe a kiss. On the podium during the trophy presentation, she stood front row. Derek Fisher was behind her. The other guy who has won 5 NBA titles along with Kobe was pushed second row to make room for Kobe’s wife and kids.

We get it. Kobe is a great family man. Infidelity isn’t even in his vocabulary. His wife and kids love him and he’s the consummate family man. Good grief. It’s like the old guy driving the corvette. Don’t make it too obvious.

Kobe Bryant references Shaq in press conference

Did not see this coming at all. In his post-game press conference (Please note: both of Kobe Bryant’s daughters were with him in the press conference, both of whom were born in wedlock with the woman he loves, Vanessa Bryant), Kobe was asked what a 5th title means to him. He responded, “I have more than Shaq” and smirked like Hannibal Lector after he stole the pen from the warden. Really? We are years removed from this childish feud and in a moment where he can display grace, he reminds us of it? My only wish was for the reporter to add, “Well, what about the Finals MVP? Aren’t you, like, still one away from matching Shaq’s number of MVPs?”

For a moment, I almost forgot that Kobe was a great guy, but the interview ended and he kissed his daughter. Good thing they were there to remind me.

Great series, even better post-series dysfunction.